The ´k´nightmare
by Zuzivlas
Summary: Who knows what are Lancelot and Tristan doing together? What secret is hidden behind Galahad´s shaved face? Will Arthur ever loose his virginity? What methods of torture were using the Saxons? Contains slash any many very interesting pairings.
1. Practice

A/N Hi all. First, this is a complete parody of King Arthur, so if you're not gifted with a BIG sense for humor and a lot of tolerance, rather don't read further. We have written this fanfic together, my sister Wintermage, and me, but we really don't own anything or anybody. We have written it just for fun, not for money. I doubt we would receive some anyway. Have fun, read and review.

**The (k)nightmare**

**1. Practice**

Great Britain, exercise yard of Arthur's knights

One morning, in typical summer English wetter – clouds, slowly disappearing fog, rain going to start every minute – Lancelot with Galahad were demonstrating their famous fencing skills in front of Bors and some of his children (namely number 3, 5 and 7).

The practice was going on for some time and because none of the fighters was able to get a significant advantage, the kids were getting bored. 3 and 5 started to chase their little sister 7. She ran towards her big protector, uncle Lancelot, who just made a little mistake. Unfortunately, Galahad noticed it and decided to finish the mach. He prepared for the final blow aiming the flat side of his sword on Lance's head. Lancelot tried to block, when something grabbed his feet.

The last sentence, he heard before Galahad's sword hit him with full power was: "Uncle Lance, save me!" and he fell unconscious to the ground.

The rest was first unable to move, they were exchanging horrified looks. Galahad paled.

Bors reacted as first: "You bastards, what have you done! Lancie-boy, are you O.K.?"

"Rather K.O." groaned the hited knight.

"I'm sorry, Lance, I don't wanted…" Galahad was still in shock.

"Uncle Lance, uncle Lance, are you dead?" crying little 7 tried to open the eyes of her idol with fingers.

"Daddy's fine, little one…ouch, just keep the fingers away."

Once again was Lancelot's sharp tongue quicker than his brain, so when he fully started to register the surrounding, he saw two Bors running toward him. His survival instincts raised him back to feet and carried him with uncertain steps away from the nearest presence of two furious Bors. He noticed two Arthurs coming and knew, in their near is he safe. Finally he reached his two commanders, who were looking VERY suspiciously on him and fell down on all four.

"Lancelot, are you drunken again?"

Children, after seeing the head-knight coming, knew this is the end of fun and disappeared as quickly as possible.

Pale Galahad tried to explain. "We were doing some fencing practice, when a little accident happened…" he was obviously feeling very unwell and down his perfectly shaved face were running drops of sweat.

Arthur after seeing the red spot on Lancelot's head just waved with hand to stop Galahad and said: "Prepare yourself, we're leaving, to deliver a message to Marius Honorius."

By leaving the exercise yard, Bors tilted his head to Galahad and whispered: "If I were on your place, Lancie-boy would not stand up any more."

Galahad only reddened and pretended his shoes were the most interesting things in universe.


	2. Night in woods

A/N Hi all. First, this is a complete **parody **of King Arthur, so if you're not gifted with a BIG sense for humor and a lot of tolerance, rather don't read further. We have written this fanfic together, my sister **Wintermage**, and me, but we really don't own anything or anybody. We have written it just for fun, not for money. I doubt we would receive some anyway. Have fun, read and review, many thanks to those who have already done that.

Texts written with _cursive_ are thoughts

P.S. this chapter is not suitable for Arthur fans!

**2. Night in woods**

Wood, a half-days ride far from Hadrian wall, destination north

The sun was coming down and Arthur decided it was time to make a camp. They found a little lake, its shore was a perfect place for a camp. Bors with Dagonet went to get some wood for fire. Galahad was preparing the ingredients for dinner, Tristan as usual spied around, while the rest was taking care of horses.

Lancelot was feeling surprisingly good, despite the events of the morning. Actually, he had a headache like never before after one hour of riding, but Galahad noticed it probably, because he came to him, took from somewhere a small bottle with some blue liquid and said: "I'm sorry for earlier. Take this, but only one small sip and wait. If the pain doesn't vanish, try it again, but no way more than two times."

Now has Lance used the opportunity and gave him the small bottle back. "It worked wonderfully, what is it?"

"A family recipe against pain. Rather don't ask what does it contain."

When the fire was burning, Galahad started to cook. Soon after dinner the tired knights went to sleep. Only Arthur stayed awake, he had the first watch and Tristan decided to control the wood around once more. It was his habit, so no one wondered. Arthur was sitting by the fire for a longer time, when he noticed a movement with corner of his eye.

Lancelot.

Arthur only smiled. He knew very well about the ongoing romance between Tristan and Lancelot. A dangerous journey was waiting for them and he was aware, that this is maybe the last opportunity for them to be together.

Lancelot was walking thru the dark wood, when someone grabbed him from behind, covered his mouth with hand and put a dagger to his neck.

"What will you give me, if I let you alive?" asked a familiar voice.

Lance's eyes sparkled in the dark and he pressed himself against his "attacker". He felt hot lips on his neck together with a pair of strong hands traveling lower and lower…

"Hope, your hawk will not occur now, I think he's getting jealous…aaa"

"No nasty words about my BIRD. I have to punish you for it, dear."

"I'm waiting…"

Meanwhile was Arthur still sitting by the fire and thinking about his friends.

_Lancelot with Tristan are really lucky, that they found each other. Such practices are not widely accepted, but when death is so near, everybody is searching for someone to love. Who cares, they are both men? Me not. Pity I can't join them. How would it be? But there is another lonely knight. Dagonet. His tall muscular body, lonely eyes… I wonder if he could show me the secret of lovemaking. Wait a minute, what am I thinking about… AGAIN? _

Arthur panicked. For a second he was afraid and ashamed that someone could read his mind. Not because a non-straight relationship is forbidden by his religion, but because he had never shared his bed with anyone except his right hand. Slowly he was starting to get desperate. A thought crossed his mind. When they return from their mission, he will ask Bors if he could lend him Vanora for at least one night. But then he started to hesitate if it is right.

_Considering who is dominant in that pair... I should rather ask Vanora if she will lend me Bors. Yak! Rather Borse´s horse. He stinks less, looks better and probably is more intelligent._

He looked around the camp and calmed his mind down. No one was moving. He was asking himself for how long will Gawain and Galahad remain in this sleepy state. He knew about this romance as well, but he couldn't shake off the feeling there is something wrong with Galahad. His beautiful legs, perfectly shaved face, his whole figure, cooking abilities, nothing obvious (A/N for a blind person) but he just knew there was something wrong with this cute knight.

Thoughts about Galahad were occupying his mind so much that he overheard silent sounds of steps coming nearer and nearer – Borse´s snoring was helping as well – to the camp until it was too late. With a terrifying battle cry a horde of Saxons attacked them. Arthur only shouted: "SEXO-, I MEAN SAXONS! " and took out Excalibur. Years spent with fighting left signs. The four knights around the fire first jumped and grabbed the weapons, then opened the eyes.

Strange sounds from the camp disturbed the little love drama in the bushes. Tristan with Lancelot interrupted their effort, took their clothes and weapons and ran to the camp. In the middle of the way Lancelot realized he left his twin-swords by the fire and can face the Saxons only with two daggers.

"_FUCK_!"

He was able just to stab one Saxon and then darkness surrounded him. Cynric smiled and put down the sword that hit Lancelot's head with flat side. Saxons separated the knights from each other. Arthur, Tristan, Gawain, Bors and Dagonet were able to get together again but Galahad remained alone outnumbered by the enemies. He was fighting bravely, but countless hands took him and tied him strong. This was the last thing he noticed before he lost consciousness.


	3. Captured: part one

A/N Hi all and thank you for reviewing. We hope to find some more after this chapter 

First, this is a complete **parody **of King Arthur, so if you're not gifted with a BIG sense for humor and a lot of tolerance, rather don't read further. We have written this fanfic together, my sister **Wintermage**, and me, but we really don't own anything or anybody. We have written it just for fun, not for money. We doubt we would receive some anyway. Have fun, read and review.

Texts written with _cursive_ are thoughts

P.S. this chapter is not suitable for Galahad fans!

**3. Captured – part one**

Lancelot woke up with another nasty headache lying on something hard. Shaking of the floor wasn't helping him at all. He realized, he could move freely. But when his vision cleared, he noticed he was in a big cage with another person although it was still dark. Countless shadows were moving in front and also behind the cage. Due to the noise and smell obviously Saxons. One of them was guiding the only two saxon horses that were dragging the cage.

Lance decided to find out, who's his companion. He moved carefully and then stopped to control, if the Saxons were against it. Apparently not…so he continued.

Considering the size, it was neither Dagonet nor Bors. He gently shook the person's shoulder and whispered: "Hey!"

No reaction came, so he gently brushed the face of the unconscious form.

_Shaved, so Arthur or Galahad. By that little nose…Galahad. Why is he not moving?_

He was breathing regularly but that was all. Lancelot wanted to find out if and how badly was Galahad injured, so he started to untie his tunic. What he found was really shocking. First, by untying he just felt two bumps on Galahad's chest.

_Could it really be?_

Luckily, because of the darkness, no one noticed how pale Lancelot got. To be sure, with one hand he reached under the tunic.

"Oh my God!" he hissed, when he supported his suspicion.

"Gawain, that tickles…" whispered Galahad but didn't wake up.

Her voice tore Lancelot from the shock. He tied the tunic back immediately and moved to the opposite side of the cage. He couldn't get his eyes off her and was muttering: "Fifteen years, fifteen years…"

Slowly the day started and the sun occurred. In the light, Lancelot got a better look on her. Now he was aware of all the details he oversaw in the past. Why Galahad never wanted to grow a beard, and they thought he was shaving all the time, the tiny legs they were making jokes about, the incredible cooking abilities, why Galahad never joined them when they were swimming naked in the river. _I'm a blind idiot!_

In this important moment the Saxons decided to have a break and stopped. Someone threw a leather-bag filled with water inside the cage, but generally they didn't give a damn about their prisoners. Lancelot was drinking some of the water, when a groan disturbed him. Galahad opened her eyes, the first thing she saw was Lancelot drinking water.

"Here, have some water, sleeping beauty."

She took the bag and swallowed thankfully. After the refreshing she had a better look on Lancelot and noticed he was very pale and bloody.

"Are you hurt?" she asked.

"Only a headache. You're not having the potion here, do you?"

"Sorry. Not this time. May I take a look?"

"It's only a scratch. But if I get a third hit in a row, someone will pay!"

"Then it looks worse than it is."

"You're not looking better either, sweetie."

She gasped and looked in his eyes. "You!", then her voice betrayed her and she was silently starring on him.

"For how long?" she whispered after some time.

"I woke up as first and you were not moving, so I checked for injuries."

She looked at her tunic. It was tied in a different way than she used to do it. She paled even more, when she imagined how the biggest womanizer of the world touched her. "How dare you! You bastard, you pervert, you -"

"Sorry, if I had known it, I would not have untied your tunic." broke Lancelot the line of her accusations.

"Don't say you didn't like it!"

"I didn't."

Lancelot knew this was indeed the wrong answer. He tried to run away, but the cage stopped him soon. A pair of strong hands belonging to a furious woman started to strangle him. Luckily for him, he was stronger, so very soon Galahad was lying on the floor and Lancelot was sitting on her holding her hands.

"Because Tristan would kill me."

"Why would he d-" realization hit her. "Oh, my God!"

"I don't have to hold you any more, do I?"

"You and Tristan, together…"

"Everybody is having a little secret, dear. What about you, how did you even get here?"

Galahad sighed and started to explain with a defeated voice. "Actually my real name is Guadiana and I'm here instead of my twin brother Galahad. He was too weak when the Romans came, and he was the only son, so I went instead of him."

"Your parents were not against it?" asked a surprised Lancelot.

"We exchanged our clothes and being twins we looked very similar to each other."

"Still I wonder how you could hide it in front of us for so long."

"Well, I was not alone. Dagonet was the first one who noticed. He helped me a lot."

The memory of Dagonet always being on the side of little Galahad occurred in Lancelot's mind. He couldn't suppress a grin.

"How long did it take him to find out?"

"He already knew when we arrived to the wall."

"Anyone else? Although I suppose Gawain knows it as well."

"How do you know?" she asked with a suspicious tone.

"You whispered his name when you were unconscious."

She blushed.

"I wonder for how long have you and Gawain been together?"

"Don't worry, not the whole fifteen years. And what about you and Tristan?"

"We planned to celebrate our 7th anniversary after returning back.

"7th? That's a long time."

"I can't wait to find out what will Tristan steal for me this year. Last time it was Arthur's armor but I had to return it on the next day. If he knew what we were doing with it all night, he would never wear it again."

"After mentioning it, I lost my winter skirt a couple of days ago. You don't know anything about it, do you?"

"The fur was very fine and downy." He saw her look and added quickly: "But I will return it."

"Keep it."

"Well" Lancelot tried to change the subject "is there anyone else, who knows that one of the knights is not Sir, but Lady?" he finished in a conversation tone.

"Actually, Vanora. And Jols. And the old healer that died last year. And I suspect also Trinstan because it is impossible to hide anything from him."

"And he never told me, that bastard!"


	4. Thoughts

A/N Hi all and thank you for such positive and numerous reviewing –Raistlin Lover, fiji-mermaid, Gina, irishfire:op, Evenstar-mor2004, Neveah101, DUDE and Demon Poptarts. We hope to find some more after this chapter :-)

First, this is a complete **parody **of King Arthur, so if you're not gifted with a BIG sense for humor and a lot of tolerance, rather don't read further. We have written this fanfic together, my sister **Wintermage**, and me, but we really don't own anything or anybody. We have written it just for fun, not for money. We doubt we would receive some anyway. Have fun, read and review.

Texts written with _cursive_ are thoughts

P.S. this chapter is more or less suitable for all fans!

**4. Thoughts**

Arthur was very mad at himself, because during the fight he oversaw the Saxon trick. One half occupied the still fighting knights, while the rest vanished with Lancelot and Galahad. It took a long time till all Saxons were lying dead on the ground and the rescue mission could start.

Although the knights meant very much to Arthur, his duty was on the first place, so only Tristan was allowed to follow the Saxons, while the others were riding faster than ever with the message and warning about Saxons to Marcus Honorius. Gawain insisted to follow the Saxons together with Tristan first, but everyone was against it. Arthur argued that he could easily do something they all would regret later, like getting kidnapped as well. Because he was still hesitating, Arthur gave him a direct order and Gawain had to obey. On the way everybody was dealing with their loss in his own way.

Arthur: _I am the leader of the knights, it is my duty to bring them back alive. We won't rest until we rescue them. I rather don't imagine the torture that awaits them, the many blows and kicks they will have to take. Oh merciful God please spare their lives and guide them thru all of this, amen. _

_Damn it! The Saxons couldn't kidnap Bors or Tristan, no they simply had to choose the two prettiest knights in my company! I'm asking myself what do they want them for? But I have to admit they have good taste. Lets see the good side of it. If we're late, there will be two very sad knights in need of comfort I would gladly provide. _

Bors: _I will kill those bloody Saxons! If they dare to hurt them somehow, the whole Saxon horde will pay for it. And very PAINFULLY. Ruuuuuuuuus!_

Dagonet: _They kidnapped my baby! Poor little Guadiana, she has never fallen into the hands of enemies before. I hope, she will not do something stupid, like copying Lancelot's behavior. He's anything but a good prisoner. We have to hurry to save them. I rather don't guess for how long will the Saxons be able to stand Lancelot's comments. But Lancelot and Guadiana aren't the only ones who suffer. Gawain and Tristan aren't in a better state either. Tristan can at least hide his feelings, he got used to Lancelot getting kidnapped. Anyway, every Saxon who dares to hurt them is a DEAD Saxon._

Gawain: _Hold on, my love, I'm coming! Poor Guadiana, a horde of pervert Saxons on one side, the biggest womanizer of the world on the other! Please, watch your secret well! I still remember how have I found out._

For a moment he lived his past again.

The knights were once again returning from a mission. The young Gawain was very proud of himself, because Arthur said he is very content with him, how much his skills improved. Suddenly, he felt a glare on his back. Again, Galahad was starring at him. _What's wrong with this boy?_ asked Gawain himself for the 100th time. _Why is he always looking at me?_

Later that evening, the knights were as always drinking in the tavern to celebrate the successful mission. Everybody was slowly becoming pleasingly drunk, when Bors started to describe how he defeated the whole woad army alone and left the rest of the knights behind him as audience. The whole tavern was listening to him including Gawain. He wanted to ask Bors curiously if he really remembers it that way, when he felt the look again. The ale got the better of him and once he got to Galahad, he couldn't stop his mouth any more.

"Stop it! I'm not interested in you!"

"Sorry…"

"Just let me be, I can't stand you any more!"

To his surprise, Galahad bit his lips and ran away. Gawain just wondered what has he said and then continued drinking. One lonely heart was crying the whole night in the pillow.

In the morning Gawain woke up with a bad hangover and even worse feeling he said something terribly wrong.

"I can't believe I really said that. I have to apologize."

Harder done than said, because Galahad with red eyes was avoiding him for the whole day. In the afternoon the sour Gawain decided to make a little stroll to the near lake to clear his head. After reaching the last trees on the shore he noticed a naked slim figure exiting water. _Aaaaaaaaa, it's Galahad. He is – she is… _He turned back and ran away faster then ever. This night another lonely heart couldn't sleep. Gawain was imagining what has he seen again and again…finally, he decided he has to see it once more.

Morning came. When coming out from his room, he saw Galahad in the corridor. He took his chance and tried to apologize.

"Galahad, wait! I'm sorry for what have I said, I was too drunk to think clearly. Will you forgive me?"

"Just forget it." said Galahad and walked away.

Few weeks passed and Gawain was sitting by the shore, waiting for Galahad to take her daily bath. Finally, she occurred and started to remove clothes. Horny Gawain was spying from the bushes. Oh, how he regretted his harsh words. _How would it be to have that fine body lying beside me each nigh? Oh, Dagonet, how much I envy you. She likes you and hates me._

She stepped into the water. Gawain's excitement reached the top. Suddenly, a twig broke loudly next to Gawain. He jumped away and only then realized, he's not hidden any more. Unfortunately Galahad noticed as well.

Gawain returned back to present.

Oh, how grateful I am for the twig. After she stopped chasing me with her sword, we sorted things out and had the best night in our life.

Tristan: _Why is it always Lancelot? Hope the Saxons won't injure him too much because I have certain planes for our anniversary. Poor Galahad, this is the first time she ended in hands of our enemy, but I know Lance will take good care of her. I wonder how is Gawain taking all of this. He loves her very much. Who knows, would they be a couple, if I wouldn't break the twig by the lake? I just couldn't stand to see how much they were both suffering. Oh, I'm such a softie._

Over Tristan's head was flying a very satisfied hawk.


	5. Captured:part two, AKA the torture

A/N Hi all and thank you for such positive and numerous reviewing –Raistlin Lover, fiji-mermaid, Gina, irishfire:op, Evenstar-mor2004, Neveah101, DUDE, Demon Poptarts, kim, LadyKnight011890 and just a random slash loving pt stoneddemon8. We hope to find some more after this chapter :-)

First, this is a complete **parody **of King Arthur, so if you're not gifted with a BIG sense for humor and a lot of tolerance, rather don't read further. We have written this fanfic together, my sister **Wintermage**, and me, but we really don't own anything or anybody. We have written it just for fun, not for money. We doubt we would receive some anyway. Have fun, read and review.

Texts written with _cursive_ are thoughts

Because we lowered the rating of this fic, we had to use instead of full words

P.S. this chapter is more or less suitable for all fans!

**5. Captured – part two, A.K.A. the torture**

The Saxon caravan entered the main camp that was situated on a meadow near a river. On the opposite shore was a forest. What Lancelot and Guadiana saw, concerned them. It was apparent that the Saxon camp has been situated here for a longer time. Lancelot guessed their number between 80-100.

"How could our scouts oversee such lovely neighbors?" Guadiana whispered in sarmatian.

"Well you know Tristan wasn't scouting so much lately." Smirked Lancelot.

Their chat was interrupted, because the horse guide forgot to stop the horses, so they all ended in chief's tent.

"What are you doing, you son of a b?"

"Well, you said to bring the prisoners to you immediately, brother." Explained Cynric.

"But WITHOUT THE CAGE, YOU IDIOT!" and some nasty words in saxon followed.

"Saxon intelligence." Whispered Lancelot dryly.

"Will you remove the cage now, or will we wait till it vanishes on its own?"

After half an hour, a lot of swearing, two broken noses, an overdriven leg and one destroyed tent later, the prisoners were standing in front of the Saxon chief. He was tall, blond haired and looked very similar to Cynric. His name was Calric. The Saxon leader Cerdic was planning an invasion and sent his both sons Calric and Cynric with a small horde to investigate and collect as much information as possible. Calric stayed to build the camp and sent the "cough" intelligent "cough" Cynric to get some slaves for dirty works.

Cynric bowed to his brother's ear and said quietly but proudly: "Brother, look whom I kidnapped."

"You moron! I told you to bring slaves, not warriors!"

_He's gone for two weeks and then brings this! Agrrrr! Father knew why he sent him away…Grrrrr! _thought upset Calric when going to have a better look on the prisoners.

"Who are you?"

Guadiana saw Lancelot was about to speak so to not get killed immediately, she spoke as first.

"Sarmatian knights."

"Oh, yes. I heard of you before but I imagined you would look differently, more like men."

"Ugly, uncultivated, just like you?" asked Lancelot.

Calric gave him a deadly glare.

_That's it. No more sex in the bushes with Gawain. You couldn't stay quiet Lance, could you?_

"You are Lancelot, right? Your behavior is quite famous. Well, I won't get anything useful from you, so I rather ask your companion. What's your name?"

Lancelot's behavior became infectious for a second. "Guess!"

Calric gave her the very same glare like he gave Lancelot before but Cynric interrupted him.

"Let me, let me. I love games. Arthur?"

"No."

"Tristan?"

"No."

"Right, that's the guy with a hawk. Dagonet?"

"No!"

"Oh, that's the tallest. Gawain?"

"NO!"

"Sure, that's the blond one. Bors?"

"NO!"

"Damn, that's the oldest but who are you, then? There is no other knight."

"I'm GALAHAD!"

"Of course, the only knight in skirt."

_Why me, why me, what have I done that I deserve such punishment?_ "Enough little brother." He said and turned back to Guadiana. "To encourage your answers, " he nodded to the Saxons standing near. One of them put a knife to Lancelot's neck. "Better, now where have we stopped? I've heard you're the cook of your company. Is it true?"

"Yes, it is."

"Shut up. Answer no more. My life is not worth it! Wait a minute. He just asked you if you can COOK?"

Calric smiled victoriously "Take him to the kitchen!" _Maybe my dumb brother accidentally did something in the right way._ "We should punish you for your behavior, dear Lancelot. Take him to the "laundry"!"

Lancelot paled. "Noooooo!"

----------------------

After Tristan finally reached the Saxons camp, he made himself comfortable in the trees on the opposite side of the river and started to observe. He couldn't believe what he saw. Lancelot with death in eyes was kneeing by water. On his right side were dozens of dirty saxon clothes, on his left were few already washed. Few meters away from Lancelot were standing two Saxons with readied crossbows. Considering how wet they were, they were standing nearer in the beginning. From his position Tristan couldn't see Galahad. He knew he can do nothing for his comrades till the rest arrives, so he sent his hawk to fly a round over the camp and give Lancelot a sign that the help is coming and started to enjoy the scene in front of him.

Lancelot noticed the flying hawk and he was happy that help is coming, but pissed off that Tristan was probably having the best show in his life. Unfortunately, he was not the only one, who saw the hawk.

"Look brother, a birdie!"

"Shoot it!" Calric ordered.

Before anyone followed his order, the hawk dropped a "present" directly on Cynric's head.

"Wait, don't shoot it!"

Meanwhile, Guadiana was standing by a big kettledrum and the Saxons were bringing animals of various sort, size and age to her. She looked in disbelief on the collection in front of her that contained squirrels, rabbits, 2 deers, a wolf, a fox, a boar, a smaller bear and one snake.

_And I though cooking for knights is bad_. "What am I supposed to do with this stuff?"

"A good dinner and supplies from the rest!" ordered Calric's voice from behind her.

She gave him a deadly glare.

"Do you want to change with Lancelot? He's kneeing by the river and washing our clothes from the last month."

"I stay by cooking." stated Guadiana sharply.

"Don't worry, I brought you helpers. It would not be very wise to give you a knife, would it? And we don't want to leave you alone." with those words he threw a look full of lust on her knees and left.

She sighed desperately. "You two remove fur from the animals, you two, make a big fire."

While her thoughts were concentrated on cooking, Lancelot's were starting to travel back in time.

To the hell with the bloody Saxons! Bors probably inspired them with his deed years ago. I was such an innocent young man when he called me and took me to the little lake near our fort. He looked at me and said: "So, little knight-to-be, you have to realize, that your service is not only on the battle field." Then he took off his tunic and threw it to all those filthy clothes that were already lying there. "Wash it, coz I'm having other plans for Vanora!" I spent the whole afternoon there, while he was working on his first child. The rest was lobbing Vanora next day, for how clean everything was. Well, most of them. That bastard Bors can say whatever he wants, he wouldn't have his first child without me. F ass Bors for doing it to me for the first time! F d Saxons for doing it to me again! F Tristan for sitting in the bushes and laughing his ass off! F bastard Arthur for leading us to the damn wood! F p our forefathers, that lost the battle two hundred years ago! F sons of a b, the Romans for taking what's not theirs! Motherf Britannia for existing! My f life not worth even a piece of a s! C, c, c! 

Evening and knights have come. Tristan invited them to join him and enjoy the show. They were shocked to see, that the bigger part of the meadow was covered with clean slowly drying clothes.

"What the hell happened here?" whispered Gawain.

"Galahad is cooking for the whole troop, although I haven't considered some of the animals they brought him eatable till now." Tristan showed his sympathy to Gawain with his usual neutral expression. "Lancelot washed 73 tunics, 73 trousers, 73 pieces of underwear, went to piss for two times and splashed half of the river on his guards. And despite all of this he is still alive and conscious."

"I can't believe I missed all this fun!" said Bors suppressing laugh.

"Don't worry, I have a feeling the better part is about to start. Look."

Lancelot finished washing and took his numb hands out of the cold water with an expression of relief on his face. He rubbed his hurting back and tried to stand up. No success, his sore muscles betrayed him.

_Are you having fun, Tristan? You will give a perfect massage for all of this. In privacy, in candlelight, with enough oil, without clothes and without your hawk…_Despite the situation was Lancelot's face one big evil grin.

Calric couldn't stop looking on Guadiana who was cooking for the whole day, so she couldn't shake off the feeling that she and Lancelot weren't the only ones in the camp who knew about her secret.

"Bring the prisoners to me!"

Lancelot with Guadiana were brought to Calric immediately.

"What's with the dinner?"

"It's ready to be served."

"Fine, divided it into bowls and the washing-girl will carry them to my hungry soldiers. But I wish to be served by the cook personally! Go!"

Mentally and physically devastated knights walked to the kettle.

"He was looking on me the whole time. I think he knows." whispered terrified Guadiana in sarmatian.

"Don't worry, the help is coming. Tristan was observing the camp for quite some time, so the others are near." consoled her Lancelot also in his native language. He wanted to say more but a blow to his back warned him, that there will be no sarmatian chat in the saxon camp. After reaching the kettle, the aroma remembered Lancelot, his empty stomach needs to be filled.

"Will there be anything left for us?"

"Believe me, you don't want to eat this."

Lancelot paled and took the first portions. The hungry Saxons were very pleased and welcomed him with remarks like "Food, service, YUMMY!" or "I think I'm going to catch a Sarmatian knight for myself. They are looking good, doing house works and who knows what else!" and "If they could give birth, you wouldn't need a wife any more." Lancelot with clenched teeth just gave them the bowls and ran away for next.

"I can't understand how can Vanora work in the tavern!" he hissed to Guadiana and went for round two. This time there were no comments but one of the Saxons strong with ale grabbed him and sat him on his lap. Lance gave him a slap and with a sentence: "Not on first date!" left. Saxon's paroxysm of laughter followed him. Unfortunately, he could not see the glare that the insulted Saxon gave him, while muttering: "Fine, the first date was on your command but the second will be on mine!"

_I hope the others are making plans how to rescue us and aren't watching, coz if they are I wont hear the end of this._

Calric was not fully trusting to Guadiana's food, so he and his brother were the last to be served, to see what effect will the dinner have on their soldiers first. Because none of them has fallen dead to the ground yet, Calric nodded to Guadiana and Lancelot to bring them the last two bowls. After Guadiana gave him his portion, he pointed to a near lying lute (A/N we also don't know from where did the Saxons get a lute but who cares) and ordered: "Play!" A day spent in Saxon services already left marks, so Guadiana was not surprised at all. But when she was bending for the instrument Calric slapped her butt. Guadiana gulped, because now she was really sure he knows. With a defeated expression she started to play the first song.

Cynric gave his brother a fascinated look because he never noticed his affection for men before. Despite it, he followed his big idol. When Lancelot turned around to go away from the Saxon leaders as far as possible, a big hand fell on his ass. The furious knight punched him and Cynric landed on his back.

"Oh, my little fire…such passion!" whispered Cynric from the ground.

Back in the woods

After seeing what that Saxon did to HIS girlfriend Gawain couldn't hold himself back any more. He grabbed his sword but before he could attack the Saxons, the last free pair of strong hands stopped him. Arthur and Dagonet had to sit down on Bors and press a woolen cloak on his mouth to keep him unmoving and silent. Bors just couldn't help it. After everything he saw, he had to laugh. The fight was hard so none of the trio could pay any attention to either Gawain or Tristan.

"Hold on! Not yet!"

"Let me go! You don't know"

"I DO know. What do you think, who broke that stick back at the lake years ago?"

Gawain's jaw dropped.

Guadiana finished the first song. Her audience rewarded her with enthusiastic shouts: "Yeah!" and "More!"

Calric looked on Lancelot: "You're looking so idle to me. Sing!" and supported his order with a brief touch of his sword.

Lance only sighed and then, after making his famous smirk, started.

"Sgwelwch chi'n dda ga i grempog?  
Mae 'ngheg i'n grimpin grempog  
Mae Mam rhy dlawd i dlawd i brynu blawd  
Mae 'Nhad rhy ddiog i weithio  
'Sgwelwch chi'n dda ga i grempog" (1)

90 pairs of wide opened eyes (Saxons, Sarmatian knights, Arthur, Tristan´s hawk and other animals in the near) stared at Lancelot.

"That was very lets say interesting. Maybe you should rather **dance**."

(1) This is part of the text of a Walesh song „The Pancake song" and you can hear Ioan Gruffudd a.k.a. Lancelot singing it on w w w.i o a n o n l i n e.c o m


End file.
